Psalm of a Wounded Heart

This is hard...and there's no way to "fix" it. I mean--I didn't understand heaven, so I studied it. Given time, I absorbed its design, its purposefulness and beauty, but even more--its reality. By examining all the visions and inferences in Scripture, heaven went from willo' wisps to three-dimensional substance.

This--this defies answers--for now. And it's that pause at the end of the phrase that drives me mad. Why NOT for now? I mean, over and over the Apostle Paul's words affirm, "I would not have you be ignorant, my brethren." So..why leave us ignorant in this mystery--the mystery of human suffering?

Many good authors have addressed the topic before me, and so, as with heaven, I anticipated relief at the end of a diligent study. Not so. Instead, I find myself comfortless and very much alone. Not one author understood. The authors who do understand don't write such books. They, like I, have found no good answer to losing a child to Heaven's grasp.

Now wait. Don't shake your head and tsk-tsk me. I AM a Christian. That's how I dare to voice such thoughts! I know I haven't "lost" my Lora in the truest sense. Still, I have indeed lost her in the earthly sense--the sense you have when you catch that impish smile on your daughter's face. I will forever have my Lora's yesterdays, but her "now" and her "tomorrow" have been taken from these aching arms.

And so I ask--Why?

If I say, "Because evil exists and we live in a fallen world," I'm left wondering how it is He chooses to intervene miraculously as He often does. To say, "God needed her in Heaven" implies some lack on His part, while "God wanted her with Him" paints Him as callous to my own need for her with me--a need planted by God Himself at her conception within my womb. I've heard, "God's idea of what is truly good is different than our idea." Do we now have a God who splits semantics like so many politicians? "It's straight from the pit of hell!!" I would agree--but why would God not intervene for one innocent of satan's devices? Is this not what we were taught to pray by our own Lord Jesus? "Lead us not into temptation but deliver us from evil"?? Would Jesus have us ask the Father for something outside His will? Or worse yet--would He have us ask knowing there would be no hope of an answer from our Father?

You see, I am a woman of logic (though some would challenge that statement). I see a person smoking 2 packs of cigarettes a day who dies young, and I can understand. I see a young adult drinking and then driving, and when they wrap their car and themselves around a tree, again--I can understand. But this death--the death of an 18-year old life dedicated to helping little children learn their abc's and hurting youngsters find the love of Jesus--this death I do not understand.

And so, I'm trying not to ask that question any longer. I suddenly realize that we three mothers--of a dying 30 year old cancer patient, of a young drunk driver, and of a consecrated college student--all suffer the same loss, with or without answers. The need to know why isn't nearly as important as the need to know how--HOW do I now go on living? One needs to leave the lesser question to ask the best question.

My daughter Crystal, Lora's big sister, said it best for me. "If I was capable of figuring out why He does the things He does, or allows the things He allows, I'd be very insecure and afraid.. Why? Because it would mean that God is no bigger than me.. After all--HE is God. It's not for me to understand it all."

So, for now I will focus on how--how to go on with a life bereft of my Lora Beth. And I will look forward to the day when sadness can no longer cloud my eyes with these tears, and I can once again embrace my beautiful child... once again tickle her feet and have her kick me, once again have her sing me a song with her beautiful alto voice, once again make green milk and green pancakes for St. Patrick's Day (and maybe even invite the old Saint to our house for some festivities!)... one day in Glory.

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